The Perfect Stranger
This segment is from the satirical novel, The Perfect Stranger, by Gregory SETH Harris. In this scene, the protagonist (S-) gains first-hand experience of the town’s legal system. All misspellings intentional.
Had S- sat in on [Neimann’s] lecture, he would have learned a bit or two about the human institution called Law. According to legal historians (w/ which Neimann’s research concurred), the legal system was initially established to ferret out Truth, then mete out Justice. But the evolution of said institution quickly led magistrates & judges, lawyers & attorneys, bailiffs, litigators, prosecutors for the defense, prostituters for the offense, law clerks, mediators, legal councilors & their illegal counterparts to become more concerned w/ salaries, procedural loopholes, public opinion, political expediency & bribes not easily traceable. Thus words like ‘Truth’ & ‘Justice’ had often to be looked up in antiquated lexicons, while attorneys & prosecutors were more inclined to dress in their finest & spout words in Greek andor Pigs’ Latin, such that juries & opposing councils would assume said lawyers knew far more than they actually did.
“In short,” Neimann summarized, “the Institution of Law is now all about winning. What is more, the preponderance of litigation by trial eventually led to the realization that said juries were won over not by being bored out of their skulls, but rather by being entertained, amused, seduced as it were into voting for this version of Truth as opposed to that version of Truth.
“And, just by historical coincidence,” the libarian pointed out, “the Institution of Art—originally intended to inspire & enlighten—had also evolved into realizing its mission was mainly to draw crowds, i.e. to entertain…since thru entertaining, the artist might earn enuff income to support his/her agent & to stifle the incessant whining of his/her muse (which in most cases meant his/her spouse). Thus the two institutions—the Institution of Law & the Institution of Art—merged.”
Jurors nowadays clamored to sit on the juicier murder trials, the more wanton burglaries, grand larcenies & extortion cases. Bitter divorces were also in high demand: the more irreconcilable the differences, the more expensive the free popcorn. Everything from parking tickets to unpaid libary fines drew crowds of prospective jurors. And why not, when one enjoyed a front row seat to view some of the most highly esteemed actors, musicians, jugglers, con artists & clowns in the business?
And so, when S- entered courtside for the first of his preliminary hearings, the three rings comprising the courtroom were humming w/ court clerks & legal carpenters positioning poles, erecting tents, stringing the tightropes & securing the nets. Hawkers were selling gourmet pupcorn & offering free balloons for a dollar. Legal advisors w/ colorful briefs shouted orders & jotted down last-minute motions to the show’s itinerary, all the while expertly stepping out of the way of prosecutors sweeping the elephant dung left from the previous trial.
Mssrs Booth, Daily & Ivans—the same ski-slope-nosed lawyers who had accosted S- in the gymnasium locker room—were gathered in one ring: stretching, practicing their scales & reviewing the lyrics to their opening number. Their clients, Sur Harry & CD Smolet, handed them towels, passed around bottles of Alligator-Aide & distributed a white powdery substance which when snorted was said to improve performance—or @ least one’s perception of one’s performance.
Filkin Grimspoon consulted S- in the second ring. As S-’s self-appointed attorney, Grimspoon donned a black leotard; a pink & white candy-striped tutu hugged his slender hips. His strategy, he informed S-, was to begin w/ a brief ballet vignette followed by a monologue from a well-known tragedy of a grizzled old man who kills his entire family, then frames it on their German shepherd.
“Don’t worry,” Grimspoon assured S-. “Juries love dogs. Besides, i’m a master of the sad, puppy-eyed look.” When the lawyer demonstrated, S- had to stifle a sniffle.
Centered in the third ring was a large blackjack table, the presiding judge serving as dealer as the members of the potential jury called out either “hit me” or “stay.” Thus the 7¾ main members of the jury were selected along w/ 3¾ alternates—responsible mainly for going out for coffee & sandwiches…that & making faces to distract opposing counsel.
“This is only the preliminary preliminary hearing,” Grimspoon informed S-. “Which side wins the most applause not only gets the plusher seats, but also decides if closing arguments are to be done in dramatic monologue, an abstract modern dance piece, or an operatic aria. If we win & i select the modern dance piece, we’ve won—none of the opposing attorneys know beans about modern dance.
“Unless, of course,” he added after doing a quick plié, “they hire additional counsel. But not to worry. We can appeal & hire more dancers ourselves. Plus, i know a choreographer who has done wonders w/ hung juries.”
S- glanced around the courtroom. The man he had come to know as Sur Harry leered @ him, brandishing his cane & sticking out his tongue. Mr Smolet—who had renounced their secret partnership—did everything in his nervous power not to glance in S-’s direction.
As the final round of blackjack ended, the presiding judge rapped his gavel & the jury rearranged their chairs. The lights dimmed save for two roving spotlights shining from the ceiling. The yellow beams searched, then steadied on the rings for the defense & the prosecution. The judge instructed the defendant & the suing parties to find their seats. Once S- & his opponents were seated, an orchestra rose from a hidden stage illuminated by floor lights.
The judge then ordered the bailiff to proceed. The bailiff, wigged & coat-tailed, rapped his baton on the legal stand, raised both hands w/ an affected flourish & waved his arms, prompting the orchestra to begin.
The overture brought tears & then warm smiles to the jury’s eyes. Following the opening came the three-part harmony of Mssrs Booth, Dailey & Ivans, replete w/ twirling canes, kicking heels & a climax in which their identical straw hats rolled up their arms, bounced off their biceps & landed simultaneously atop their swollen heads. The maneuver drew rapt applause as well as beads of sweat on S-’s forehead. No sooner did the applause die down than the lights dimmed & the orchestra began again.
Grimspoon stood motionless, head bowed, hands @ his sides. Just as unexpectedly, he suddenly pirouettéd into action, flying hither & thither about the full perimeter of the ring. One moment his body tense & despairing, the next it was filled w/ flight & exhilaration. The entire courtroom sat hushed, completely entranced as S-‘s quivering muscles relaxed.